


Sick of Losing Soulmates

by ishouldbeasleep



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, BONCAS, Fluff, Happy Ending, M/M, Phan - Freeform, Songfic, kinda sad but I promise it's not too bad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-27
Updated: 2017-05-27
Packaged: 2018-11-05 16:09:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11016885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ishouldbeasleep/pseuds/ishouldbeasleep
Summary: In which Dan and Phil are at the BONCAS and Dodie performs 'Sick of Losing Soulmates.'Dan gets up randomly during the middle of her performance and Phil follows him.





	Sick of Losing Soulmates

**Author's Note:**

> (I uploaded this to Wattpad in like January and wanted to upload it here too so here you go)
> 
> I was listening to "Sick of Losing Soulmates" and I thought up some gay phan shit
> 
> enjoy

**DAN'S POV**

"I've spent the majority of my 2016 with another person, Dan Howell, so I think it's only fair he comes up here too,"

The world almost stopped for me for a moment until I realized everyone in the auditorium was looking at me. I got up swiftly and somewhat jogged to the stage to make the awkward clapping until I got to the podium to be a bit shorter. I couldn't stop smiling. I wasn't expecting him to do this, but then again, it's such a Phil thing to do. He finally gets the spotlight for once, but he calls me up with him to accept the award together.

We went on to have little bants back and forth on the podium and then Phil made a joke about "hiring me to be his friend all those years ago."

From what I had seen online, everyone had basically thought we were literally married, and I can see why when we joke and "argue" like and old married couple. In reality we broke up in 2012, and it stayed that way. All the looks I gave him on camera were just my one sided love that would never be reciprocated.

_(2012)_

"Shit Shit Shit," I could hear Phil in his room, he never swore. Something must have been seriously wrong for him to be swearing. I walked across the hall and opened up his door to find a very nervous Phil, shaking and crying on his bed.

"What's wrong, love?" I asked him. He just turned to me and gulped. Now I could really see his red and puffy eyes. He had been crying for a while now, that much was evident.

"You...you know the video I made for you on Valentine's Day 3 years ago?" Phil said, his voice getting quieter as he continued to speak. I just nodded to him and chuckled to myself.

"Of course I remember how could I forget Phil? It literally made my-"

"No Dan this is bad. Like really bad," he said and I gulped back my words.

"Youtube just glitched and unprivated a bunch of my videos. People saw it Dan. They know, people have probably downloaded it by now... God I'm so sorry Dan I don't even know what to do."

I stood speechless. Then it hit me, all the really personal things Phil mentioned in that video. Because it was  _for us,_  not for the whole world to see. I wasn't out to anyone, what would my parents think? My Grandparents? My friends from uni? We were exposed. We would never hear the end of this. 

Fuck.

I opened up my phone and saw exactly what I expected. My Tumblr askbox was bombarded with messages. With a shaky hand, I clicked on the notification and opened it.

A few were positive, the rest were homophobic slurs and people saying they were unsubcribing from me and Phil.

"Phil..." I muttered as I handed my phone to him. I slid down the wall and buried my face in my hands. I didn't even want to see his reaction. We were fucked. I heard his bed spring creak as he got off his bed, and his feet padded towards me.

He reached out to comfort me. "Dan I'm so sorry-"

"Please, just don't... don't come near me..." I whispered meekly. I just wanted to cry, my head on his chest as he rocked me in his arms. I wanted that more than anything, but every step he took closer to me filled me with more and more rage.

"Please... Phil just leave me alone," I said, a little louder this time. He continued to move closer to me. 

"Dan please I'm so sorry-"

"Phil please just _get away from me_ _!"_   I said a bit too loudly. I grabbed my phone from his clammy hands and shoved his to the side a bit.

"Bear, I said I was sorry! Please-" He tried to catch my wrist, but he whiffed as I moved away from his grip.

"No." I took a shaky breath before I continued, "I'm not your 'bear' anymore Phil." His mouth snapped closed instantly, I could see his lip quivering as tears began to escape the corners of his eyes again. I turned around and walked out the door. I was just about to shut it when I heard his voice, "I love you, Dan"

But i just kept walking to my room, more tears in my eyes than before.

_(Present)_

We covered it up as best we could, but it wasn't perfect. People kept asking questions, seeing us as Dan  _and_ Phil, and it got on my nerves. Like of course we are a team but I am still my own person. It didn't seem to bother Phil as much as it bothered me, which became the root of every argument, and fight after fight after fight, it got tiring. Maybe we were better just as friends. So that's what happened. We became Dan and Phil, the internet's favorite best friends. That's how it is, and we haven't spoken of it since.

What Phil didn't know is that I never stopped loving him. Each of those fight I wanted  _so badly_ to not worry what people thought of us like he did, but this was our job. We were already pretty broke as it was, and now we had less money than ever.

I regret pushing him away like that, because I didn't want to. I was just trying to cope, so I did it the only way I knew how: pushing people away. I desperately wished we had our relationship back to how it was all those years ago. Carefree, loving, and happy. God, I would do anything to get that back again. But why mess with good thing? We were in the peak of our careers, I didn't want to ruin it again.

After we walked off the stage, it was time for Dodie to perform a few songs. I always loved her smile and attitude, and the bubbly way she talks. Not to mention her voice is incredible. We made our way back to our seats, and thankfully we were sitting in the last two in our row so no one had to get up to let us through.

When Dodie finally got on stage, she sat down in the seat they had pulled up for her. A crew member adjusted the microphone for her and then she tapped it to make sure it was working.

"Ooh good it's working" She said in her bubbly little voice. She started talking about her new EP and how the songs she was going to play were going to be from it. She finally started playing the guitar and the crowd had gone silent. I recognized the chords almost instantly. She was going to play 'Sick of Losing Soulmates'

What nobody knew though, was that this song made me cry, a lot. It reminded me of Phil and I _way_   too much. Then she started singing.

_"What a strange being you are, God knows where I would be If you hadn't found me, sitting all alone in the dark..."_

I couldn't take it. My eyes were already starting to well up with tears, but I blinked them away and excused myself to the bathroom. The thing I didn't realize though, was that Phil had gotten up almost immediately after me. Once I was out of the auditorium, I made my way to the men's room. Since we were in a fancy theatre, there was a sitting room separate from the actual toilets. Nobody was in here, I was all alone, thank God. I could sit on this couch, listening to Dodie's muffled voice sing something that hit a little too close to home.

Or at least that's what I thought.

I had already begun to let out my stifled sobs. I heard the door hinge, and my head bolted up from my knees. Phil had poked his head in.

"Dan? Are you okay?" His eyes wandered until his gaze fell upon my awkward tall figure curled up bawling on a couch.

"Oh my God, Dan" he moved so quickly, bolting the door just in case someone were to walk in. He really knew me so well. He was the only person I would cry infront of, even though it had been a really long time. He approached me slowly, and then said quietly "Can I hug you?"

I couldn't help but smile at that. He took that as a yes, and grabbed me and held me close. I could feel his heartbeat and his chest rising and falling as he breathed. He put his somewhat cold hand on my neck to rub it, and it sent shivers down my spine. I could feel myself shaking as he held me, but apparently I kept it quite internal as he didn't move his hand.

"What happened, Dan?" Phil asked the inevitable question. I sighed and lingered in the hug for a few moments longer, before pulling away to sit on the couch properly, looking down at my hands in my lap. It was now or never. This had to come from the heart.

"Whenever I listen to that song it just..." I trailed off. I let it hang in the air for a moment.

"Reminds you of us?" Phil finished my sentence with a bit of uncertainty. I looked up towards him, he had leaned closer. He was smiling.

I just kind of chuckled to myself and breathed out a 'yeah.' Phil understood though.

"Phil, I'm so sorry I pushed you away like that, I just- I didn't know what else to do, and I think about it everyday because I can't imagine being with anyone else. I can't even go out on a date because I know I will expect them to be like you. But I don't want someone 'like you' because I just want you, Phil." I kept my head down to avoid seeing his reaction.

"Oh thank God," he said letting out a bit of a laugh. I was so confused, but I didn't dare to speak. "I'm glad this isn't one-sided, then."

I looked up again, a bit confused.

"Does that mean-" but I didn't get to finish, he had already crashed his lips into mine, and oh God, I could have nearly died just then because my heart was beating way to fast. He shrugged off his jacket and I did so as well, discarding my disco ball of a sports coat. He immediately undid my bowtie and pulled me closer. God I had missed this. Tears were still streaming down my face, but not because I was sad anymore. Phil seemed to notice this as he pulled away, but kept his forehead to mine. He held my face in his palms and wiped my tears away with his thumbs and whispered "I've been wanting to do that for years."

"Me too," I said almost inaudibly. "We really owe Dodie one, don't we?" we both chuckled with our foreheads still pressed against each other.

"I love you, Phil." I said on his lips.

"I love you too, Bear." He replied, kissing me again, not even caring what people would think of us being gone for so long.

**Author's Note:**

> fuck that was really gay 
> 
>  
> 
> did you like it


End file.
